It's not that I expect anyone to read this, or that I need consoling, I just want my feelings to be heard, and I know without a doubt that my watchers care about me as I do them, so this here is purely just expression of my grief. To those that read it I'm sorry if this brings you down at first, but I try to stay positive. C:
I know I'm not one to rant about my personal life or my own opinions in the negative, but this topic has just been weighing down on me for weeks now, and I really can't bear it any longer.
Perhaps it's merely a childish dream of mine, but whenever I say that I am your friend, I try to do whatever in my power to stay that way. For anyone. It doesn't matter if they only ways I've met you is through letters on my screen, or if I see you every day, or even if I've known you for years. I make it a commitment to care. In the past, during high school, I was naively awakened to the pain of being abandoned by someone I thought was my very best friend in the world, someone who outright rejected me for a reason so selfish and pitifully misunderstood that I cried for weeks from sheer disbelief. Because of that I vowed to never ever, ever, ever let a friend down if I could help in any way. If you ever feel like these words don't ring true for you, from me, I beseech you to tell me- don't ever be afraid to be honest with me, even if it hurts I will take the time to understand. I beg you to talk to me, from the bottom of my soul I do. No one deserves to keep their problems locked away inside themselves. I will always be an ear to anyone that needs it, because I know that I would want the same if it were me.
In that respect I feel pained right now, since I know I'm losing someone right now. They are slipping away and it's absolutely unbearable. Perhaps I don't have the most open heart in the world…however I try to leave space for anyone that walks my way, and in doing so I know that I'm bound to get stabbed occasionally. But, I feel that even with those consequences I wouldn't have it any other way, if the price means giving someone a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. I live to make others happy, and I know it's not a good thing, my mother tells me so all the time, but the only way I seem to find true happiness is when I see my friends smiling and safe, and without some horrid emotion bottled up inside them. I have a very Buddhist philosophy about finding peace, and I strive to help others find that balance in life, because everyone needs that balance in order to function; a core value that they make sure is unshakable. For me, its friendship and determination, so I don't lose sight of what I care about, and I'm stubborn enough to stick to someone who needs help I can give, even if they fight me. In a way I suppose that's selfishness on my part, since I don't want to get abandoned in turn, but if they would have a better life without me- if that's the help I'm meant to give- I would.
As I said before, I don't want this journal to be all about my woes, and putting a more positive spin on things helps me to focus my energy back into clarity, keeping it out of the shadows where it likes to fester itself. So, in the spirit of that, how about we switch to the many ways of friendship.
Friendship should be taken seriously. There is no such thing as making friends easily, as much as I'm sure we'd all like to admit otherwise. A friend without complete trust is an acquaintance, contact, colleague; someone we merely know and are nice too, but wouldn't trust with our hearts. Friendship should be something beautiful and as unbreakable as you can make it, able to withstand any argument; like a thread of silver connecting that connects one another. The thread is always seen, and kept clean from use, and keeps us supported when we're lost; should we only follow that thread back home.
Somewhere along that line, one of your threads is bound to be tested. It's hard to bear when that thread begins to strain one way or the other, or when both sides snap it to its ends, tangling the string and knotting it in places with petty arguments and fights. Those knots and tangles can only be undone with the help of both ends, using the whole of the string, just like friendships can only mend when brought together and traced back through problems; finding solutions to old issues and new along the way.
Sometimes, even with the strength of a silver thread, friendship can be like a thin necklace, wrung around your neck, tight from use, and delicate enough to break with the simplest movement. It is a very precious necklace to you, and when it breaks, you feel you've lost it forever. The gem you kept around your neck, so close to your heart is now gone, and it's painful. But I implore you, to look back, and see if that gem still means anything to you, to simply keep your eyes open, and wait for that gem to find you again, even if it takes years. If the friendship was true, the silver thread can easily be welded back together through the pure heat of loving another.
I can only hope that, in time, the gem I have lost myself will be found again; shining bright and happy in the light of day, gleaming at me in waiting.
If you're still reading this, I thank you for listening to my rambling as always. Suggest that maybe, if it helps, this journal can be a confessional of sorts, should you like to share your problems, if only to get the weight of them off your chest. Though I ask if you do, not to make it a spiteful reply, but a reflective one; so that your words might help others in a situation that might be like yours.
With love, Always, Solstice. <3
(sorry if there are typos, I'm just posting how I feel without edit; )